” When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “He dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies.” And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies.” but because of the life we saw prior to the words.”

- Mr . Edward Magorium

Joseph Thomas Soden, 62, passed away unexpectedly in Lafayette, Indiana. Formerly of New Jersey. He was numerous things in his life maintenance, Soden Pest Control, Real Estate, Cab Driver but most importantly he was my father.

Him and I had our rough patches. There was, to be honest, things I didn’t appreciate. There are things that me and him talked about that I will always keep with me. I didn’t know my father like other people.

My mother left him when I was younger. I finally got to know him when I was out of High School living in Phillipsburg, New Jersey (across the way from Easton, PA) when I got a letter in the mail that was forwarded from Social Security office. I still have that letter. The words , ” … Now, I hope you are sitting down. I am your father. ” Will always be etched into my brain. He still had my social security number and he contacted me.  It took me a few days to finally contact him. When I did , I found out how little I had in contact with the man that helped bring me into the world and how much I did as well. I found out I had an Aunt Patty who passed away. I found out I had an Aunt Terry who didn’t and I soon came in contact with my crazy Aunt Terry. I love that woman. She had her moments but I really did love her. She is now gone as well. I found out I had an Uncle Harold that everyone called “Butchy” and a Uncle John. Neither of them I spoke to until later on. I finally got to meet Uncle Harold a while back with his wife Rita. I really love them both and Josie quickly bonded with them. They really are good people.

My father and I lost contact again , for whatever reason. Then, I was down the emotional shore of doubt and questions. I wrote him a few times and send numerous phone calls his way but I don’t know what happened to drive him away. For years, I wondered. I sent the occasionally letter here and there. I even started talking to Terry, who wasn’t speaking to my father at the time for various reasons.

I went on with my life.

Then, I got to meet him for the first time. I met him there in front of the Marathon Station on Creasy Lane in Lafayette, Indiana. There he stood in his grey jacket with black stripes that now is in my possession. He hugged, I cried. We talked. He got to hang with Josie. I still have those photos. He left. We kept in contact here and there.

I went to New Jersey. That is where he upset me a little bit by something and I went for a walk through Newark. I took pictures along the way and wound up twisting my ankle and cutting my hand on a fence I reached up to grab. I was bleeding when I hailed a cab to his taxi office and there I waited for him. I felt like I was a little girl when he lectured me about running off and to this day I laugh about it.

He got me this camera. It was a film camera. I used it for awhile and then the darn thing broke. We often sent tapes back and forth to each other. I have some tapes still of him in his taxi talking to me and talking to his customers. He even had a few say hi to me. It was funny.

He always got on my nerves though.

There were times I wanted nothing to do with him. I know you are reading this and going , ” That is horrid, ” But it is the truth. When you do crazy things and then expect people to grovel at your feet it is really hard to not want to release them from your life. There was an incident when I visited my Uncle Butch and Aunt Rita. We went to New York and saw the statue of Liberty. Something had happened and my father and I weren’t speaking. I tried contacting him while I was there.

Other things went on and lets just say I was left standing crying in Central Park while my daughter climbed the big rock and my Aunt Rita tried to soothe me.

I didn’t talk to him again for a little bit.

Then, we got things out in the open. I think in a way both of us are very stubborn and having two stubborn people at once is not a very good idea in the grand scheme of things.

Later, in November of last he came to me. He had gotten a raw deal in Jersey and things just were looking down. He locked things up in a storage area there and whatever he had in his truck he came here with.  He recorded on a tape during that trip here. He recorded messages to everyone. The tape is utterly disturbing but it shows the true nature of my father and how he was feeling. Not everyone can express themselves in this way.

He came through Indiana being stopped by Police thinking he was loosing his dog Zena. The Indiana Police helped him by filling up his tank. My mother even paid for gas over the phone for him at one place  they were nice enough to do that. He finally made it here. I didn’t take to well to Zena at first. I will be truthful, I am not a dog person. My step father had pits growing up. I had to deal with them , I had to clean them, pick up their poop and other things. I was just tired of animals. Then, I give birth to ” Save the animals” Josie. LOL.

Zena didn’t take to well to my cat Uhura at first but then they became fast friends which I found so amusing.

Zena’s fur bothered me, Zena jumping on the couch and stealing jerkey right out of my hand bothered me. Dad leaving the toilet seat up and shavings all over the sink bothered me. Not having one moment of peace bothered me.

Dad had depression really bad from whatever he was going through and I was just wanting to be alone. I guess in a way it was my kind of depression. It was I just want solidarity. I just want to do my own thing and do I really want to care for a elderly parent too? I guess in a way I was selfish. But, there was just things that ticked me off. You are a diabetic and eating crap. I tried to stop him all the time. I tried to help him but he refused to be helped. I cooked meals he refused to eat but then would eat a bag of chips. He and I got into it a little bit where my mother had to come in and help me talk to him. She had known him a long time and figure this would help. It did.

I guess I was just really mad at him not wanting to take care of himself. Why would you want to do that to yourself and leave behind people who care?!

He was upset that he had no money and nothing to bring me.

I didn’t want money. I still don’t want money. I don’t want material possessions. I just wanted him.

We finally bonded and had family walks together. Josie really enjoyed those. We talked, we fought, we talked some more. In the end, I had to leave. It wasn’t because of him though. I had opportunities in other places. I needed to grow as a person. I am now 36 years old and I know that seems weird but yah, I am not getting any younger. I want to do something with my life and I just finally figured it out.

I been thorough hell myself. I have had a lot going on.That is why I want to make it better. I want to make this life better for me and for the kidlet. I want her to be stable . I want her to know that being strong isn’t always what its cracked up to be but you will always have people to lean on and you can live your dreams.

I want her to live her dreams.

I went to Indiana.

I came back without my father.

It really was heart-breaking. For the pure fact that a man is laying in a box in a fridge and not laid to rest. I know he had some issues. I know that some people despised him or didn’t like what he did. He had a lot of mental stuff going on in his head. He really wasn’t doing as well as everyone thought.

As I thought.

The last I spoke to him he was happy about his laser eye surgery coming up, that he was doing well with everything. He spoke of his roomates and of his roomates dog and how the doctors think his left arm pain was just a pinch nerve.

I am upset by this.

His notebooks even include him having pains in his arm. LEFT arm. Wasn’t this a clue to someone? I guess I am mad because it seems to me not everyone did what they were supposed to do medically for my father that he was just rustled up paper thrown to the side and into the trash can of another doctor who chose him that day.

I loved my father. I did. We will always have things we hate about one another, things that annoy us , things that can not be controlled for one reason or another. We will always have secrets we hold. We will always have unanswered questions. We live and we think and we breathe. WE have to move on .

I hope that soon I will be able to move on.

I have had a rough couple of weeks and then I found out Zena passed away as well. I am just not doing so well with any of this I guess. I am staying strong. I had someone insinuate that I was not doing all I could for him. Well, I am sorry I am not a millionaire and can just throw money and cremate someone. It isn’t as easy as you think.

My father , had a big heart. He even helped people in the neighborhood with food. He found someone a bike they needed. He always was talking to people. He was always trying to help them even though he couldn’t help himself. He gave something to a homeless person once in front of me and a few dollars. I found out later those were his last two bills.  He liked children even though he didn’t admit it. He would twinkle on the bus and play peek a boo with some. He always had a story to tell, a joke to give, something that left an imprint on you no matter what. He thought that no body really cared about him or no one would miss him. He was wrong. I just wish I could say that to his face.

Dad,

I love you. I really do. I know you loved me too. I know you really loved Josie ” Rotten Kid” .  Now , may you and Zena rest in peace.

I don’t know what is out there. I don’t know if there is any kind of life after death and I know I really am not much on the God thing but I do know that you are now in no pain, you are no longer suffering , you are fine.

I love you

Paulinerose

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